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Thursday, January 13th 2005

5:00 PM

New Job

Well, I started a new job. I am a Quality Asurance Specialist for a medical transcription company. I love my job but I am so busy and there is hardly anytime to do the things I love, like writting in my journal.  I am just so tired by the end of the day and have no energy. I am doing well and for the most part and very happy.
1 replies / reply

Monday, January 3rd 2005

2:04 PM

heartache

I  have pretty much always been alone. Even as a young child I was alone alot. I did not really have any "friends" no one wanted to play with me. I was strange and  werid and not normal. I remember being at daycare while my parents worked and I would just sit in the corner by myself. As I got older and we went outside to play...I hated outside time because then I really was alone. At least if I was inside there were people around..even durring set activities I was lonely because no one would help me so I could do them.. I would cry myself many nights because I really felt I had no one
 
When I started school even in the younger grades I was always made fun of . No one wanted to sit with me at lunch or play with me at recess. (I know this is stupid stuff, sorry) When we did group activities and got to pick our groups, I was never chosen so the teeacher just put me in a group and people would get mad and be mean because they did not want me in their group. We did school performances and shows and people would stare and point as if to say haha look at the crippled girl
 
Middle school was the worst, but that was when I met Austin. She made things a lot eiser for me. She was my rock, if people tried to mess with me she was right there. But it was still rough...People would write stuff on the hallway walls and in the restrooms about me. I would always see "Christy is a crippled bitch" or something worse. The only punishment the people that did that got was they had to stay after school and wash it off. But it always continued...At least I had Austin to get me through it the best way I could
 
High school was still rough People seemed to hate me. They wanted nothing to do with me. If they saw me comming down the hall a lot of them would turn around and walk the long way to class because theey did not want to be seen with me
 
Austin is/was incredable. We did everything together..anything and everything. Did it all and had a blast. Got into a little to much trouble at times!!! LOL We would arange our class schedules every semester so that we would at leat have some classes together. She was just the greatest. She was there if I needed a shoulder to cry on . We had many late nights and heart to hearts.
 
Today, my life is diffcult because I realize that I am lonely...I have friends but they are the type that are there if you want to go party or get into a little too much trouble. But even then, they don't invite me much...Like once every couple of months. I almost feell like they only call me as a last resort when they can't find someone else, someone better to hang out with. There not there when it comes to matters of the heart. There not there to talk or a shoulder to hold me up in the week moments..I guess I need to find different friends, because I feel I deserve better then that. I give so much to people and feel like I get nothing in return. Everyone goes out and has a good time and that's awesome, I am so happy for them that they are able to do that. But what about me??? Do I not mater??? Sometimes I feel ivisiable....Like no one even sees me of cares that I am there
3 replies / reply

Thursday, December 16th 2004

8:48 AM

One happy Gal!

Woo hoo! The countdown is on. 48 hours to show time. I can't wait for the show. It will be fun, but I am ready to get it over with. I am exhausted! I can't wait for our cast party though-it will be a hoot

Happy Holidays to all!!

10 replies / reply

Monday, December 13th 2004

7:58 PM

Excuse me while I make an a$$ of myself

Oh what a day! So anyway the holidays are right around the corner. Things have not been easy the last few months....all I want to do is relax and have a good time. But no, someone in my family always has to b_____about something (I am gulity of it myself)but geese, come on people where's the christmas spirit.. Hello! Can anyone here me? just chill~ everything will be fine. But does anyone ever listen to me in my family? No, I am just waisting my breath....

Ok, I feel much better! Just had to get that off my chest!

7 replies / reply

Saturday, December 11th 2004

12:48 PM

Starting over again!

well, here we are again. I keep starting and stopping. No more! New life is unfolding. My Story is out....I don't have to hide anymore. I can have the life I want-I deserve that life without all the crappy stuff in the way. That stuff is holding me back. I am going to throw it out the window. Life can be a b____ at times. I need to just learn to roll with the punchs and know that there are people out there who care and want the best for me and want me to succeed in everything I do.

So to the good news...I got a job. Not in my felid or what I was even really looking for but I am willing to run with it for a while and see what happens. I am even thinking about going back to school in January. I want to do something I am tired of sitting on my a___ and feeling sorry for myself. I want to be happy. I have got a long road ahead....

2 replies / reply

Thursday, December 2nd 2004

12:14 PM

Been a while

Things have been a a bit crazy...but I am doing all right.

I am truly blessed to have many amazing people in my life... I know I will make it and ond day things won't be so hard

8 replies / reply

Sunday, November 21st 2004

7:52 PM

I am in shock

  • Mood: Shocked

I just found out that my youth director is leaving and I am really in shock. I will miss her so much and am not sure what I am going to do. I just hurt a lot. More later...

1 replies / reply

Saturday, November 20th 2004

12:54 PM

Hopes and Dreams

  • Mood: hopeful

There are many hopes and dreams that I have. A lot of them I have never shared. I did not feel I could. I did not feel any support and I was tired of being laughed at. So I hid a lot.

One of my biggest dreams is to go back to school and major in special Ed specializing in emotionaly disturbed. That is my passion and where my heart is. I went to school and majored in something just because that is what everyone thought I should do. It is time, past time for me to let my hear guide me and not let people sway me..

I would love to start singing and playing the piano again. Music is such a big part of my life and I wish I had not given it up. I would love to get in the recording studio. Just to get back to writting even it never goes any futher. Music is such a healing release for me.  There is such a power and a gift in music Esp. if you are willing to write from your hear and let your feelings and expirences guide you. Who cares if no one ever picks it up, or it never becomes a #1 single(although that would be nice!) When you write from your heart none of that maters.

Later in my life I would love to go to Africa and help with the AIDS crisis. There is so much devstation over there. Even though my life is hard at times, I take a step back and I realize I have so much. I can give a little back.

I have a great life. Sure, it has been crappy right now. And I have had a God-awful past., but I can always start over. Start right now. From this day forward, I can  start to create the life I want, not the life other people think I should have. Because after all this is MY life and years later I want to be a ble to say I had a good fulfilled life. I want to be happy with what I did and what I accomplished. I want to make a difference in someones life.


More later,tears....

8 replies / reply

Friday, November 19th 2004

5:26 PM

tomorow is a new day

  • Mood: tired
Today was totally crappy. Just one of thoose days. More later...I am so tired
8 replies / reply

Thursday, November 18th 2004

2:17 PM

Venting

  • Mood: Angry
I am so confused. Why are people so mean. Why do they attack for no reason Are we not supposed to love and support each other and not tear each other down? I am so flipping mad!!!! Sometimes I really don't get this world!
1 replies / reply